As I was working out on a machine this morning, it was monitoring my time, my distance, my calories burned, my heartbeat, and my decreasing IQ. I had wanted to move fast on this elliptical thingy for at least 30 minutes, go at least 4 miles because that’s a little more than I’ve been running/walking on the trail.
I was starting to get fatigued, and I’d already burned the amount of calories I had in mind plus some, yet I still had more time and distance to do. It’s the thing with goals for me…I keep looking at the end game: only 1.35 more miles, OR 5 more minutes. Now, only about 4 1/2 minutes, so on. I try to ignore the blinking red numbers seemingly – no, overtly – mocking me. I try to trick myself. I try to think about the hot dude over there <—– I try to think of my story. I think about what else I need to do today, but my eyes flick back to the monitor. Then to the hot guy, the old person over there —–> who’s in better shape than me, back to the monitor, the clock on the wall, the monitor, myself in the mirror, the monitor, repeat.
This is why I hate the gym. But my feet are sore from walking/running so much and I wanted to hit the weights too, and I don’t have weights at home. Plus, the gym has lovely air conditioning.
This is why I hate to do lists. I focus too much on what I need to do and don’t allow myself to get tired or to do something more fun that comes up and then I hate life. I always – most always – do the important stuff right away and have found my groove(ish).
But I want to find my groove. With no ‘ish’ allowed.
Do I slog it out for the full 30 minutes on the elliptical thingy or do I quit when I’m sure – really sure this time – that I’ll die if I don’t quit? Do I allow myself to hit the calorie meter and stop even though the time hasn’t passed? What about the distance? If I move faster I can hit the mile goal faster and then can stop. I decided that it was better for my body to keep moving for the full 30 minutes and then do other stuff at the gym, too. So, I slowed down, drank some water, and made it through.
Mind over matter for me has been my detriment. Even as a kid I was convinced I would be okay and not throw up my ice-cream if I just toughened up. I could handle it. I could do this. I was not some wus kid (though I was.) And then I threw up all over my mom on a completely packed airplane on a 4-hour flight. Some times things just have to give.
So… this is my issue with writing. Do I do 2 pages a day? 12 a week? 14 a week? Try to increase it to 20 because that’s usually what I am writing? But what about times like these when I have a very narrow gap in the story that I have to fill and I have to wrestle it out with these characters (who seem to just want only to have sex, by the way) way longer than it should take me because they strayed from my original story plan? Or, do I keep my butt in the seat (with appropriate breaks) from 9:30-2:30 as I’ve been doing and write? I feel like it’s best for me if I concentrate on the butt-in-the-seat method but this is detrimental too. I still have to work to earn $ afterwards. And writing is work for me, and it’s hard work. I’m driven to do it and I rarely enjoy it. But if I don’t write creatively daily I feel like I’ll explode.
Writing 9:30-2:30 seems excessive, ridiculously long most days and I’m staring at the corner of my computer at the clock all the time. But if I didn’t have to work outside of my writing, that time frame seems perfect. So… I am really really really motivated to make money at my writing. To sell the script, to get my other stuff out there, get my stuff ready. I like freedom, like, say, napping when I want, gardening, and walking, and (sigh) going to the gym.